


beating hearts at bay

by bahepin



Category: Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli, Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Gen, wlw and mlm solidarity at its finest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 06:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14909888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bahepin/pseuds/bahepin
Summary: Leah Burke can’t really help her feelings, whether it be her unexpected anger towards her best friend or her feelings for Abby Suso.+Or what would have happened if Leah confessed her crush to Simon in svthsa





	beating hearts at bay

**Author's Note:**

> Any dialogue you recognize is taken from the book and belongs to my mother figure Becky Albertalli.
> 
> I don’t know if it’s obvious that it’s my first time posting my writing so, let me know what you think!!! ahh

Emoji practices are always tiring, whether it’d be me being slightly salty with the song choice or Taylor exceeding certain levels of annoyance.  
I really don’t understand how young freshman Nora can deal with us. We’ve been spending a lot of time practising for the school’s talent contest, putting all of our hearts on Michael Jackson and The Cure. 

But today is different. We wait for everyone to be at the music room, but there’s no tuning our instruments and no reading our music sheets. Today we figure our outfits out so the room is filled with ”no Taylor, we don’t need even brighter clothes”, chatting, and after we decide it all we clean the room and we’re gone. 

Most of these days I hang out with Nora, probably now the only Spier that cares about me. Nora Spier and Bieber Spier. Those two have a special place in my heart. But then there’s Simon, freaking Simon who I don’t know how to feel about. 

Everything happened so fast. We were good, then we weren’t and now it’s like I never even existed to him. My heart aches, reminding myself that this is not the first time something like this has happened. This is not the first time I fuck things up. 

As angry as I might be at Simon, stopping by his house to leave Nora puts me in this mindset of There’s-no-war-in-Ba-Sing-Se and it makes me want to go inside, find that kid and hug the hell out of him. It feels like ages since the last time I talked to him, and I hate myself for hiding because I so want him to find me. 

Why do I have to make things so hard? But I remember what he told me the night he officially came out to us. You are entitled to your emotions. Pft, okay.

Nora takes her stuff and starts walking towards her house when she turns around.

“You okay Leah?” Nora asks me through my window.

This girl is so good with figuring shit out I’m scared she’ll know all of my deepest crap just by looking at me.

“Yeah, I’m good” I lie.

Is it that fucking obvious that I’m zoning out and on the verge of tears?

“Well, okay.” She says unconvinced. “Thanks for the ride, Anna said she’d link me the chords for that bridge in feels like heaven-“

“Just like heaven.” I correct her sheepishly.

“Right! God, Morgan is banned from picking the music again.” She chuckles.

“I know, ugh.”

“So, will you be able to remind her? I want to perfect those as soon as I can.” She tells me.

“Sure, no problem!” 

“Thanks Leah! You’re the best-“ She trails her reply and looks back to the house confused. 

I follow her sight and I’m really about to explode, right there, inside my truck. Simon is running full speed towards us ignoring Nora completely and getting into the passenger seat. I swear to god if he touches me I’ll be gone, poof. But I don’t know if I’ll explode from anger or sadness.

If someone asked me about how our fight started I genuinely would have no idea how to answer. It’s like when you’re doing simple things like brushing your teeth, or making your bed or chewing. You once learned how to do all of that stuff but you don’t remember the first time you actually did it. It just became a habit. A knowledge that came out of nowhere. This anger and fear and frustration, I don’t remember the first time I started feeling it. It’s uncontrollable.

“Get the hell out of my car” I tell him.

“I want to talk.”

Me too.

“Okay, well, I don’t.”

He kicks some empty bottles below to get comfortable, takes the seatbelt and clicks it in.

“Take me to Waffle House.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Not even a bit.” 

So he’s carjacking me?!?

“So you’re carjacking me?” I snap.

“Oh, I guess so.” He replies sarcastically.

“Fucking unbelievable.”

The thing with Simon is that he can be persuasive and I highkey wanna see where this is going. But I mean, I really have no other choice, so I start driving.

You can feel the quiet tension and if you listened closely you could hear how my heart breaks with every mile I drive pass. I want to fix this, we need to fix this.

“I know you’re pissed at me.” He says after a while.

Wow, at least you’re not oblivious about that!

“And I’m sorry about Midtown. I really am.” 

Yeah, you seemed really sorry. 

“Will you just say something?”

What do you want me to say Spier? 

“We’re here.” I announce as I park right in front of the entrance.

The place is not that full, and now that I’m here I’m really craving some waffles. I’m also craving a new life, with new friends, applications are open.

“You can get your fucking waffle or whatever.” I tell him.

“You’re coming with me.” He says.

“Um, yeah, no.” I look at him straight in the eye for the first time. 

He has this really determined look in his face but I can tell he feels as vulnerable as I do. I look away quickly before he notices my watery eyes.

“Okay, then don’t. But I’m not going in without you.”

“Not my problem.”

“Fine. We’ll talk here.” He says, unlatching his belt and turning to me. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I lie for like, the seventh time today.

“So what? That’s it? We’re not just going to be friends anymore?” He raises his voice a little, wrathfully. 

I lean back and shut my eyes, stopping the tears from falling. I feel so drained by this conversation.

“Aww. Maybe you should go cry about it to Abby.” I mock. 

But a tiny part of me is talking seriously. Because it’s Abby. Everything about her can make you feel better, the way her hand pats your back turns you into a new person, she wipes away your tears and her hugs hold your broken heart together. And if she’s so sweet and kind why do I feel this sharp irritation in my chest.

“Okay, seriously? What the hell is your problem with her?” He yells at me.

“I don’t have a problem with her. I just don’t know why we’re suddenly best friends with her!” I yell back.

My problem is that I’m trying to live imaginary problems I have with Abby. Made-up things I can’t stand about her. Because it’s easier to do that, I’m ignoring these feelings as if my life depends on it.

“Well, because she’s Nick’s girlfriend for one thing.” Simon explains.

I can’t believe him.

“That’s right keep making this about Nick,” I turn to him angrily, “and we can all just fucking forget that you’re obsessed with her, too! Because who isn’t!”

He looks at me and rolls his eyes. 

“Well, apparently you aren’t.” He informs me.

And it just hits me that I said that out loud. I don’t want to open my mouth again. 

“And me? Obsessed with her? Leah, I’m gay!”  
I stare at the wheel. 

“Platonically obsessed.” I say, my voice softening.  
“Female best friend four-fucking-point-oh.” 

“What?” He asks. He’s stopped yelling but his voice is still annoyed and confused.

“A fucking upgrade.”

Because I can’t help but feel like I’ve been replaced. All the times they hang out without me. All the late nights spent together. It was all just: Nick, Simon and Abby, Nick, Simon, and Abby. Nick and Simon. And Abby.

Abby.

“Oh for the love of God.” He sighs, “Leah, stop it please, I could never replace you! You’re Leah.”

“And she’s Abby” I say calmly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, Leah. What’s that supposed to mean?

“It means I get it.”

He looks at me.

“I get why you feel good around her,” I start, remembering everything we used to do. “I get why the best things happen with her, I get how she smiles and the whole world lights up, because she’s Abby.”

He keeps looking at me.

My heart is beating really fast. I didn’t plan to do this but I guess there’s no turning back now.

“Did you ever-“ my voice trembling “Have you thought about the possibility that-“ I stop talking abruptly.

“That what?” He looks at me even more confused.

“You idiot.” I chuckle emotionless. “That I might not be jealous of Abby being with Nick.”

“Oh so now you’re not jealous at all?” 

“No, I am! I’m jealous of the sudden friendship that bloomed between the three of you!” I start raising my voice again. “And I’m jealous that I don’t fit in there anymore.” I take a deep breath, “And I’m jealous of Nick.”

“What?”

“Simon,” my hands are shaking “I was never in love with Nick. I was in love with Abby.”

I shut my eyes because I’m too scared of his reaction. What was I thinking? I mean, it’s not that Simon would react badly about me being bisexual but there’s this something that I’m scared of. How this huge ass confession is suddenly changing everything completely. He’ll start acting different when Abby hangs with us. He’ll be too awkward, unsure of how to act, what to do. I can just see it, tiny glances that will change the air around us. I’m dying from the embarrassment and I can feel the nausea coming up my throat.

“Leah.” He says softly.

I find the courage to open my eyes and look at him and he’s crying hard. He also has this silly small smile plastered on his face.

“Why are you crying?” I ask him, only to realize that I’ve stopped shaking and tears are also running down my face.

“Poor Nick, he’s the only straight person in our squad.” He laughs.

I’m finally hugging the hell out of him, because it’s impossible to not love Simon Spier.

 

 

“YOU ARE SUCH A BADASS! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”

Turns out us Emoji girls aren’t bad at all, we’re actually really good. Like really fucking good. I still can’t believe I did that. That. And apparently, Simon is now our biggest fan. I’m not surprised at all.

“Did you like it?” 

“Are you kidding? You guys were amazing. Since how long have you being playing?” He asks me.

“For around, two years?”

“Holy shit.”

He embraces me and kisses my forehead. Middle school Leah is yelling at the top of her lungs. I really like how I can be comfortable around Simon, I guess it’s how your supposed to feel around friends, but there’s something different about him. Maybe it’s the fact that he knows me inside out, and that his hugs are the best thing ever you literally can’t deny them. 

Abby comes along with Taylor and grins at me.

“Burke?”

“Yeah?” 

I can feel Simon’s eyes on us and a cheeky smile growing.

“You. Blew. Me. Away.”

I just giggle awkwardly while dying on the inside, trying to pull an annoyed face but I can’t hide my smile. I’ve never been one to take compliments, less from someone like Abby.

“Thanks.”

She winks and leaves carrying Taylor on her shoulders. She freaking winks.  
I hear Simon gasping and he’s hitting me with his elbow.

“Oh my god Spier, can you not?” I whisper.

Bram comes, for some reason the poor boy is flustered as f, and gives Simon a look meaning they're leaving. He nods and turns to me.

“Burke?” He says with a high pitched voice, a really bad imitation of Abby. 

“Yeah?” I reply, over exaggerating. I’m twirling my hair, batting my eyelashes and everything.

“I love you.” He winks.

“I love you, too.” I wink back.


End file.
